It is inevitable that when you live in tight quarters the way that married people do, situations will arise and arguments will happen. This should be a given. When we were first married we both reassured each other that we would not get upset when we started to have arguments. We knew that it was natural for arguments to occur. With that said, it didn’t guarantee that these arguments would be fair, nice, or fun (because trust me on this one, sometimes they aren’t).
    We have come to find that when we start to have an argument, it has typically happened because of one of three reasons: miscommunication, failed expectations, or stress and sleep deprivation. Today I want to break down each of these and perhaps shed some light in the darkness.
    Miscommunication: This is probably the most common reason for arguments in the Clay household. Mostly because we assume that when we communicate with our mouths, it sounds the way we think it does in our heads. This is understandable. Why wouldn’t it sound the way it’s supposed to? But making sure that the words in your head make it to their exit point is actually a much longer trek than we think it is. Sometimes along this path wires get crossed. It is probably not the brain’s nor the mouth’s fault. It’s the trek across the desert of interpretation.
    On top of this, there is another huge factor in this mess and that is the ear. They should be more accurate because you have two of them to rely on. Typically what they receive can be trusted. Again the issue is the trek.
    So what happens on this trek? Often our emotions dictate our interpretation of the message being sent or received rather than relying on our “tested true” God given body parts (ears, brain, and mouth). Your emotional state really decides what kind of trip your words or the information being given will shape up to be. If you are angry, your words may have the tendency to be harsh and sharp. If you are confused, your words may turn doubtful and broken. If you are hurt, your words might be deflated and defensive.
    How to fix this? Well emotions are really powerful forces but they don’t rule you. The best way to fight miscommunication is to keep track of the facts being given (no matter how they may make you feel). Staying true to what is happening will help you verify what you have heard. It is best to ask clarifying questions first before assuming you know the outcome of the story being told. Facts are your best friend in these situations. Make sure you use them!
    Failed Expectations: Expectations really come from the pride part of ourselves. It comes from the assumption that your way is the correct way. “Why would anyone do it differently when it is clear that the best way to do it is my way!” Well, that may be the case if you live on a planet of one, but remember we are striving for “2 becoming 1”. Oneness is key. When your spouse has failed to reach your lofty expectations you may want to ask yourself why those expectations were there in the first place. Is it really the right way to do things or is it just preference? Even if it is just preference, has that preference been stated before? Has miscommunication happened when it was stated? Are you willing to step down from your pedestal from on high to forgive and work towards a solution, expectation free? I sure hope you can. Because if you can’t, you may find that these expectations that you are holding will probably continue to be broken...
    Stress and Sleep Deprivation: This one should be easy right? WRONG! This is one of the places that Nathana and I fall short a lot. Most of the time it is the true cause of our emotions getting the best of us. And as I talked about earlier, when emotions are ruling the conversation not a lot of facts make it through the trek of interpretation. It is also when we are tired that we allow our expectations to be given more freely. For the most part if we are well rested and alert we can make it through situations without it blowing up. It is when we have the extra stress in our lives or not enough sleep to rely on.
    The only way to avoid this becoming a constant issue in your communication is to make sure you are getting enough rest and relying on God to deal with your junk. I realize that these things are much easier said than done. But aren’t most things this way?
    Anyway, this ended up being much longer than intended but I hope that something may be gleaned from this for you and your communication skills.

Where do you and your spouse have the most trouble in arguments? Have any advice for other readers (and of course us!) Please leave comments so that we can engage in this together!

- Mitch

    Yesterday, Mitch and I made an interesting discovery. We have a picture from when we first started dating in 2007. It’s a goofy Halloween shot where I am dressed up like a princess and Mitch is wearing a suit. (He wanted be like my prince!). Later that year as we celebrated our first Christmas, Mitch wrote me a song and made copies of this picture. He put them in a frame with the lyrics for me as well as in his wallet. Well, four years have passed and this picture is still a popular one. In fact, this Sunday he made the picture the background on his computer. When I saw it I remarked, “That is so sweet!” because I love it when he puts pictures of us as his background. He replied, “I chose it because I know you have always loved this picture.” Truth be told, it is not my favorite picture at all. He looks incredibly handsome in it, but I look, well . . . silly. My hair is awkwardly hanging in my face and I have weird expression. I had always tolerated seeing the picture so much because he seemed to love it so much. Amused at the misunderstanding, I explained to him that I liked the memory, but that I thought I looked goofy and my love of the picture was because it he always acted like it was his favorite. He looked startled and laughed, “I only used it so much because I thought you loved it! I look ridiculous. You are the one that looks good with your hair hanging in your face. You look very sexy.” After laughing at the situation, I was baffled that for over four years we have both treasured this picture solely because we thought the other liked it so much. 
    Oftentimes, we make a similar mistake in how we love our spouse. Misinterpretation and miscommunication can leave our spouse desiring our love, even when we think we are expressing it. Assuming what makes me feel loved will make Mitch feel loved can also lead me astray in loving him. I learned that even though I feel loved and cared for when Mitch cooks and cleans, it is not Mitch’s primary love language. For months, I thought that if I made the best chocolate cake and kept our apartment spotless Mitch would never doubt how I felt about him. I soon realized it is not the priority to him it is to me. As a result, it did not communicate much love to him. (Don’t get me wrong, he liked the cake, but it didn’t speak love to him as much as other actions.) Instead, when I would delay doing the dishes so that we could cuddle together on the couch and watch something together, Mitch was actually feeling much more loved because he was getting more of the physical touch he desired. So, how can I make Mitch feel loved? I need to know what his love language is (see The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman).A love language is the avenue your spouse most effectively feels your love. How can I help Mitch love me? I need to communicate my needs—what makes me feel his love. 
    Mitch and I will be reviewing and visiting Gary Chapman’s ideas from the Five Love Languages more in the future, but I would encourage you to visit www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/  and discover your primary love language. I have learned what a difference it can make to love Mitch in the ways that reach his heart the best. It puts a bounce in his step and purpose on hard days. 

Questions for Discussion:
1) What is your love language?
2) What is your spouse’s love language?
3) How can you communicate love to them in their love language this week?

Upcoming Changes to 2becoming1:

1) Mitch and I are hoping to add some new pages. We are thinking about adding a calendar page to post information on marriage events around the area. Also on our list is a book review page where we can share some resources that have helped us such as The Five Love Languages, Sex God, Dating with Pure Passion, Sheet Music, The Sexually Confident Wife, etc.

2) We will be posting our first vlog (video blog) together in April as well as updating the What’s Cooking page! More info to come.

3) In April, we will begin a new schedule of posting. I will still post on Tuesdays, but Mitch will begin posting on Saturdays.

4) Finally, I would just like to put a plug in for the Weekend to Remember Getaway for couples and the Act of Marriage workshop. Mitch and I have attended the Act of Marriage workshop and loved it! We have not attended the Weekend to Remember Event, but if you have please, share about how it impacted you in the comments! Check out the Family Life Today website (http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3204559/k.CA50/Events.htm) for information on when and where these events are taking place.

Thank you and have a wonderful Tuesday!

Nathana

Song of Songs (NLT) 7:1-9

How beautiful are your sandaled feet,
    O queenly maiden.
Your rounded thighs are like jewels,
    the work of a skilled craftsman.
Your navel is perfectly formed
    like a goblet filled with mixed wine.
Between your thighs lies a mound of wheat
    bordered with lilies.
Your breasts are like two fawns,
    twin fawns of a gazelle.
Your neck is as beautiful as an ivory tower.
Your eyes are like the sparkling pools in Heshbon
    by the gate of Bath-rabbim.
Your nose is as fine as the tower of Lebanon
    overlooking Damascus.
Your head is as majestic as Mount Carmel,
    and the sheen of your hair radiates royalty.
    The king is held captive by its tresses.
Oh, how beautiful you are!
    How pleasing, my love, how full of delights!
You are slender like a palm tree,
    and your breasts are like its clusters of fruit.
I said, “I will climb the palm tree
    and take hold of its fruit.”
May your breasts be like grape clusters,
    and the fragrance of your breath like apples.
May your kisses be as exciting as the best wine,
    flowing gently over lips and teeth.

    Yea, this guy makes all men look bumbling fools when in comes to romance. He is lyrical, poetic, and unafraid. When I want to express how I feel to my wife I want to come up with something beautiful, something profound, something majestic, poetic and soul touching. I want to sound like this guy! But so often what comes out is, “You’re really pretty...” That’s in the right ballpark right?
    
    Well I may not be super versed but in response to Nathana’s post two days ago I want to lift her up as well. Not because I want to return the favor, but because that is what love does. You give yourself to your spouse. You give them all you have. You take a step into the unknown and hope that your “other” is there to take your hand. I want to be there to take her hand.

    I first want to explain husband's and wife's day to you. It’s funny that my wife brought up The Middle last post and didn’t remember that it was where we got the idea in the first place. There was a Mother’s day special on and it showed the differences in between Father’s day and Mother’s day (in a quite funny comparison at that!) Afterwards we started talking and we realized that until we have children there really isn’t a day dedicated to celebrating the roles of spouses individually. There are anniversaries but that is a joint effort. There are birthdays but that is a celebration of the person him/herself. We wanted something to celebrate the role of the husband and the role of the wife. (They are important people!) On top of that, as Nathana said, we wanted to celebrate each other even when there wasn’t a specific reason to do so. So here I go to do some celebrating!

    First off, my wife is stunning. Men, I’m sure that your wife is gorgeous. (She is a daughter of Eve. She was intended to be.) But my wife wins. Hands down. From head to toe she is just straight up classically beautiful. I often catch myself staring and thinking to myself that she looks as if Michelangelo painted her himself. She has these eyes that look at you and into you all at the same time. When she looks at me, she can see my soul. It’s beautiful and terrifying all at the same time, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

    Not only is my wife beautiful but she is so intelligent. Sometimes she starts talking about different things and before I know it I am just blown away by here perspective, insight, knowledge, and understanding of the world around her. She may not know specific details about everything in the world but she is exceptionally keen in absorbing her surroundings. Whenever I am lost to wander I turn to her and it’s like she turns on the light and I can see clearly whatever I had missed.

    But where my wife’s aurora truly shines it’s brightest is when she is interacting with people. It’s strange and I’m sure I sound crazy but she radiates this warm glow about her. She makes people feel like they are home. She is the most caring and genuine person I have ever met and I highly doubt that anything will change that. She is like a glass of water on a hot summer day. She is just that refreshing to be around.

    But this is more than what she is to me or what I am to her. What makes us work is what happens when we are together! We are a team though and through. We may have rough patches but that is what life will always be. We work though them and praise our God together in the process. She picks up right where I leave off. I begin where she ends. Together, we are a force for God to be reckoned with!

    So on a final note, celebrate your spouse for who they are to you. Celebrate them in front of others and behind closed doors. Celebrate them for you chose them and they in turn chose you. Celebrate them for they are worthy. Then look in the mirror and celebrate what God has done in your lives by bringing two broken people together to create a perfect and divine union.

    Take a leap of faith here and celebrate your spouse a little! How do they fill your heart? And how is God celebrated through your holy union together?

- Mitch

    I love any reason to celebrate. Celebrations mean things like cake, special outings, no dishes, presents, oh, and did I mention cake? Mitch and I have always believed that each day is a gift and a worthy opportunity to celebrate. However, something tells me that eating cake every day would not be the smartest idea. I would never again fit through the door to our apartment! We also do not have the financial capability to do big outings as frequently as we would like. Nonetheless, we want to take time to celebrate one another in special ways. To remedy this situation, we created special days, which we dubbed “Husband’s Day” and “Wife’s Day”. "Husband's Day" is this Saturday on March 24th and "Wife's Day" on October 1st. These special days give us an excuse to celebrate each other with some of the extra things we cannot always afford. I am excited to give Mitch his presents, pick up some Chinese food, bake a cheesecake brownie bake, break out some new lingerie, and go see the Hunger Games movie! Yet, despite all of these wonderful things, the purpose of Husband’s Day is to celebrate Mitch. This week I want to take the chance to share what an incredible husband he is to me. 
     Mitch fills my life with humor. He shares his joy of life with me. Without him, I would take life way too seriously. Those that know me know that I can get stressed, uptight, and sometimes slightly overreact to situations. Mitch helps me lighten up and find humor in even the simplest things. So often, I find myself laughing until I have a side cramp with him and forgetting about what a bad day I had at work. At Starbucks, he recently resurrected the “nicknames” system. He dubbed James Tidei “The Barista Boy Wonder” and himself “Macchiato Man”. I admire how he is able to find humor in every aspect of life, even his work, and share that with his friends, family, co-workers, and customers. I am proud to say he is My Macchiato Man. 
    Mitch has a caring spirit and willingness to listen that has helped me through many bad days. He has listening skills to which I have met no parallel. In the T.V. show The Middle, Frankie convinces her husband Mike to work on being more social. At their next social gathering, he pretends to listen to everyone by responding with comments that imply he is very interested in what they have to say. Before long, he is the most popular person at the party with everyone chasing him down to share their problems and interests with him. Mitch is similar in social settings, only he actually does care and really listens. People have always flocked to Mitch for his listening skills. Even people that don’t know him open up to him. Before we were dating, it was one of the first things that attracted me to him. Today, he is the first one with whom I want to share my exciting (and sometimes boring) news. 
    Mitch is patient, persistent, and quick to forgive and I am constantly thankful that he has these qualities. He shows me Christ’s strength and grace through how he handles tough situations, bad days, and challenges. He is not quick to anger, even when it is justified. Many times, I feel as though I do not deserve him, but I am thankful he is mine. 
    Mitch is my best friend. Not only is he my romantic husband who works to meet my needs and desires, but he is also my companion. He is someone that I can work with, hang out with, travel with, talk with, live with, worship with, etc. We learned early on that we had common ground when it came to taste in music, movies, books, travel, and life goals. This allows us to have fun together as friends. Today, we are going to Kearney to visit some of my family and to go see the band Gungor in concert. Concerts are one of our favorite pastimes that we mutually enjoy. I look forward to growing old with him. 
    Mitch is my knight. I know that he fights for me on a daily basis. He fights to keep himself pure and he fights to defend our home. I feel safe and protected by him. His heart is mine and I know that he will lead me wisely. 
    I could continue forever talking about what I appreciate in Mitch. But, what I hope you take from my sharing is a reminder to remember what you love about your spouse and to take time to celebrate those qualities and that person in your life. The past couple of weeks, I have been convicted by how it is all too easy to take those closest to you for granted. Don’t regret not taking more time to appreciate what you do have and who you have in your life. Celebrate your spouse and celebrate your marriage every day, not just on your anniversary! In closing, I would like to share a quote from Christian author and speaker Shannon Ethridge.
   "Commit yourself fully to making this marriage not just survive, but thrive! Accepthim. Affirm him. Respect him. Revere him. Romance him. Serve him. Seduce him. Celebrate   him. I know he’s not perfect, and neither are you, but two imperfect people can still create a very perfect love, and a very perfect example of what a deliriously happy marriage looks like." (The Sexually Confident Wife)

***QUESTIONS: What are some qualities that you appreciate in your spouse? How can you celebrate your spouse this week? 

-Nathana

    In "medieval" times there is one concept that people (namely me) are still very attached and attracted to: Knighthood. Knights were in a lot of ways the superheroes of their day. They protected the castle. They were sworn to serve with unwavering passion the people of the kingdom, especially the king. They were servants. They were men. They were called to give all they had. Not to mention the addition of being chivalrous. They were everything that in a lot of ways I think the modern man wishes he could be...

    I want to be a knight for my wife. I want to protect her with all that I am and give myself for her no matter what. I want to protect our home with everything that I am. I want to ride in on a stallion with majestic wind in my hair, slay her dragons, and wink my eye at her and make her fall in love with me all over again. Essentially, I want to be her superhero and swoop in to save her in her darkest hour.

    The primary issue here is that I am a human being. A mere human being that is often times more weak than I care to admit. I get hurt, I bleed, and am rather fragile. So how can I be her knight in ever shining armor whenever I feel like I am so far away from that image? It comes from allowing myself to give God what I cannot handle. (Which is all of it really...) It also comes with starting small and making a difference when it matters most.

    I think that it’s crucial to swoop in and be the knight that I know I am on the inside. The key to this is realizing that it doesn’t take shining armor and a strong cleft chin. It just takes me being the husband that I promised I would be (going back to last week). I think that it is the small but very important things that make this a reality. Here are 5 ideas to hopefully help your wife feel like the princess of the castle that her knight is fully dedicated to.

1. Dedicate one hour of undivided attention to her. Untainted time is crucial. Nothing will make her feel more loved than seeing that you are willing to drop everything for her. This may not have to happen every single day. Every couple (and I would even venture to say every woman) is different. They have different needs. I would prescribe at least one hour of undivided attention every couple of days though. Don’t worry, the kingdom is safe. Stable your steed and take a well deserved break with a beautiful maiden.

2. Bring a small trinket of love when she least expects it. This doesn’t need to be a dozen roses or a new necklace. Just find something from your day that she may appreciate. For me this may be a birthday cake pop from Starbucks as I get off from work. For you it may be an article in the newspaper she may like. It could be as simple as picking a flower off of a tree on your way in the door. Just make sure she knows you thought of her.

3. Greet her with a holy kiss. When you see her let her know that you missed her since the last time you saw her (even if that was only 30 minutes ago). Greet her with a kiss that imparts your love. It doesn’t have to be a drop dead sexy kiss. Just something to let her know that your eyes and lips are still dedicated to her and only her.

4. Remind her of her blinding beauty. Tell her what she means to you. Remind her that you are willing to go defend the kingdom for her. Tell her that you will slay all of the fire breathing dragons in her world. Again, this doesn’t have to be a tear-filled confession of love. It should however be something that is going to make her feel like the princess that she is.

5. Take care of something that needs done. As a knight, your are a man of action. You are a doer. You are a conqueror and a fighter. Your young maiden needs a man who is willing to get his hands dirty every once and awhile. Do something that she would typically have to take care of on her own. Something like making the bed or taking care of some dishes just might make her day!

    What it comes down to here is that sometimes the role of the knight isn’t to go out and do huge things. Sometimes to be her knight it just takes a man who is willing to help her feel like she is worth the kingdom. These things should be considered do-able. Sometimes it may be easier than others, but these are obtainable goals.

    It should also be stated that women can use these same ideas for their men. Joan of Ark was willing to be what she needed to be in the time of crisis. Don’t be afraid of flipping the table on your man and use these to make him feel like your knight. Speaking as a man, nothing makes me more on fire to go out and fight the daily battles than when my princess makes me feel strong, desired, and capable.

Men: What is something that makes your wife feel loved and beautiful?
Women: What was a time that your husband blew you away by something small?

Mitch

P.S. So I am giving praise and credit where they are due, I took these 5 ideas from the general ideas of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapmen. This is an excellent read that we will be doing a book review of very shortly...

    Last week I focused on the meaning and importance of respecting your spouse. This week I wish to take it a step further. I want to look into and discuss some specific, practical ways that we can communicate respect to our spouse. Examples of a principle like respect always help me grasp how to take it from an idea and translate it into action in my own life. I am far from perfecting any of these, but I have witnessed their power in our marriage and I hope that they can make a difference in your marriage as well!

1. Watch What You Say Around Others--The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21
    A couple weeks after Mitch and I got married I began attending a Women’s Bible class on Wednesday night at East Hill Church of Christ. At the time, different women were taking turns leading the discussion and Bible study. I don’t remember who led the first class I attended, but I remember the advice that she gave: Be careful to respect your spouse, even when they are not around. She went on to explain that we should stick to being verbally positive about our spouse. She had witnessed numerous women and friends that would “joke” or complain about their husbands in ways that were demeaning and it had begun to bother her. She had come across an article (that I wish I had to share with you now) about being your spouse’s publicist. It hinges on the idea that what you say to others about your spouse, whether positive or negative, will get back to them. For the sake of an example, which do you think a husband would prefer to find out his wife was saying about him “George always leaves his wet towel on the floor! He can be such a slob.” or “George is so helpful with keeping the lawn mowed and looking good, even when he is tired from work”?
    I took this advice to heart and I can honestly say that it has made a difference in our marriage. Not only does it help Mitch feel more respected by me, but it also helps me to keep a more positive attitude toward him. However, I do find it very hard to stay positive when I am around other women that are venting about their husbands. It is tempting to want to relate and join the conversation, but I would encourage you to try to steer the conversation instead of joining it. Be the one to start a positive discussion about your husbands, instead of a bashing session! This doesn’t mean that you can’t seek out someone to talk to if you really need to, but be careful to watch your motives and try to deal with annoyances by communicating them constructively to your spouse instead of complaining about them with your girlfriends. Also, remember that there is a difference between venting and asking for advice and prayer.

2. Actually Forgive Past Grievances--Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs. Proverbs 10:12
    This one can be difficult. We say we “forgive and forget”, but sometimes the past has a way of reemerging. In addition, we are often tempted to store up the laundry list of grievances to drag out at the fight. I often fall short in this area. Yet, I have found that the best way to keep myself in check is to 1) give myself space to calm down so I can properly express myself 2) think about how I would feel if Mitch kept a record of my wrongs that he had forgiven to unearth and throw in my face 3) stay focused on the issue at hand, not on old ones . 
    Generally, women have web brains (I certainly do!). I find correlations and connections. I process new information by taking it in and categorizing it alongside old information. For me, this means that it can be hard to stay focused on the “current” conflict or issue at hand and not pull out old, forgiven issues. Nonetheless, to preserve Mitch’s trust and to communicate respect to him, I need to focus my web brain on the task at hand. “One thing at a time gets the job done fine” (Mitch’s addition).

3. Affirm Him or Her--Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:24
    I believe that genuine affirmation, or verbal expression of appreciation, is one of the main ways that many men feel respected. (Women appreciate it as well.) Mitch and I both have found that affirmation can make all the difference in whether or not we feel loved and respected. Mitch is great about doing things around the house and not complaining; however, if I consistently fail to acknowledge and thank him to affirm his actions, his help becomes rare because he can’t tell that I care. Similarly, it makes my day so brighter when Mitch thanks me for doing the laundry or praises the dinner that I made. 
    Just the other day, I made chicken wrapped in bacon and zesty potatoes. Mitch loved them and told me so. It made me feel loved, respected, and just plain happy! 
    Affirmation also applies to other areas of life. It can apply to your husband or wife’s career. They may need you to affirm them in their abilities or give them some encouragement during a stressful week. We often need affirmed when we feel vulnerable. Where is one of the places that we feel the most vulnerable and naked with our spouse? In the bedroom.  People can bring a great deal of insecurities to the marriage bed: baggage, body image issues, fear of failure, etc. Think about where your spouse may need some extra affirmation this week.

4. Practice Communicating Fairly through Conflict--A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
    I took interpersonal communication in college and learned a lot about dealing with conflict. Nevertheless, once I feel my emotion heighten, remembering how to handle conflict appropriately is not always my strong point. For me this comes back to the fact that I am not all that great at verbal communication of any kind. That being said, I know that words and actions are primary in communicating respect. Few things can injure a marriage as badly as saying something cruel or hurtful and realizing that you can’t take it back. Words are powerful. 
    Please remember that constructive conflict skills take PRACTICE. To become your default you have to practice using them so that in the heat of the moment you won’t revert back to low blows. It would take several blogs to summarize these skills, so I won’t go overboard today. Mitch and I will be tackling more on the topic of conflict in the near future. For now, I will refer you to a great textbook on communication. (Yeah, yeah, I know it is a textbook, but this one is actually readable and even fun to read!) Proctor, Russell F., and Ronald B. Adler. Looking Out Looking In. 12th Ed. 2007.

5. Seek God--Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
    It brings honor to our spouse when we seek to honor God in our lives. Ways that you can specifically honor and respect your spouse in your relationship with God is to pray for your spouse during the day, pray with your spouse on a regular basis, and find ways to seek God together through study, prayer, or service. Some of Mitch and I’s greatest conversations and most intimate moments come during a bible study or time in prayer. It allows us to open our hearts and share where we are at with our heavenly Father. How does this help us respect them? When we are letting God control our hearts, it is easier to let him guide our words, reactions, actions, etc. We can then more easily carry out numbers 1-4 above.

***What are some specific ways you have found to show respect in your marriage? What types of actions make you feel respected? Please feel free to respond to these questions or with any other thoughts and comments that you may have had!

Nathana

Eph 5:25-28 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

    Generally speaking, we men hate this section of scripture. Not because it isn’t true but because it’s incredibly hard to do. I mean imagine what it would have been like to be Jesus. If that doesn’t intimidate you as it is, realize that He was the son of the living God being sent to die for a people that doesn’t recognize Him. These people will spit in His face, call Him names, and eventually murder Him in one of the most gruesome and painful ways known to man. If that still sounds doable take it a step further and try and imagine that it is these people that will eventually become the church: the bride of Christ.

    Wow... Humbling huh?

    It is this mental exercise that I try to employ whenever things aren’t going well in the Clay household. If Christ can do all of this for me, and I am called to love my wife in the same way, then I am going to do anything in my power in order to find reconciliation! It’s what I promised on December 18th, 2010. It’s what I promised to do for the rest of my life. And I keep my promises.

    But what does this really mean practically for husbands everywhere? Loving my wife the way Jesus loves me is a pretty daunting task. So much so that at times I think that I can be a little scared to even try. So let’s break down this section of scripture in order to employ some easy steps. (Because let’s be honest here. I’m a man. God made me to be a task-oriented, one thing at a time human being. There are times when I can be open-ended, but I do much better when I can see clear goals in front of me. Something tells me that the male readers will agree!)

1. Give yourself to make her holy

    Holiness is a pretty big concept. Essentially the idea is to be set apart from the rest of the world. There needs to be a very drastic difference in between the thing that is holy and everything else comparatively. To be holy is to be separated in every way. Jesus gave himself for all of mankind in order to set us apart from the rest of the world forever. In the same light, you are called to sacrifice yourself to keep your wife untainted by the world. This means making sure that she is your most prized thing in the world. Take care of her the way you would protect a bran new Ferrari from scratches. Cherish her as if she was the only thing keeping you alive. This doesn’t guarantee to keep her untainted from the world it will certainly allow you to view her as the only thing worthy of your attention. It keeps her so completely different that she is incomparable with any woman ever created. This keeps her holy in your eyes.

2. Wash her with the word

    When was the last time that you and your wife sat down and had a study session with the Bible? When was the last time that your relationship was full of spiritual discussion? If it’s been awhile, you are not alone. That doesn’t make it ok or right but it means that it’s a much harder thing said than done. At the end of the day there is no good excuse for you not to spend time together in the word. We are all busy, tired, and have no time to waste. It’s a good thing that spending time on this isn’t throwing it away, it’s storing it up. Wash yourselves in the living water of the word and your world gets better. Trust me on this one.

3. Love her like your own body

    As human beings, we have self preservation built into our systems. I take care of myself by natural instinct. When I get hungry, I have this uncanny ability to feed myself. When I get thirsty I am pretty well dedicated to finding something to drink. When I am sick I do my best to nurse myself to health again (Nathana is a huge help with this though!) Even if sometimes you aren’t happy with your body, you have an addiction to life. You will fight to hold on to it with all you have. In the same way, your wife must be preserved by natural instinct. You have to fight for her in every way. She is as vital to you as your feet, fingers, or brain! You take care of your own body without much thought. Your wife should feel the same...

    I know that this has been pretty one-sided and I apologize to our female readers but I really wanted to reflect what Nathana wrote on Tuesday. She did a great job on covering what it means to respect husbands. On the flip side, I really wanted to do my best to show what a husband is called to do and some ways to get those off the ground. There is certainly more to it than this but it’s a good start. I want to cover some specifics in the future, but if nothing else, I hope that this helped in your understanding of this section of scripture.

Men: What does the call to love your wife as Jesus loves the church look like in action? Do you have any more ideas on how to effectively do this that I didn’t cover?

Women: When you feel cared for by your husband in these ways, how does it effect your character and world?

Thanks and have a great rest of your week from 2 becoming 1!

- Mitch

Respect verb: to hold in esteem or honor

noun: deference [respectful submission or yielding] to a privileged position

Honor verb: to hold in honor or high respect; revere.

noun: A source of credit or distinction.

I have always struggled with understanding the practical, everyday application of respect and honor. In fact, I have secretly detested every classroom I have walked into that had the poster with only three rules: 1. Be on time 2. Be prepared 3. Respect everyone. It just wasn’t clear to me. (I would also wager that based on the behavior of many students today, I am not the only one that doesn’t understand what respect is and what it should look like.) You might be wondering why I am tackling a subject that I obviously do not fully grasp yet. Well, I chose it because I felt like if it was a big enough issue to be specifically acknowledged in God’s message to us, it must be important.

As I was preparing to write, I visited one of my favorite reference websites: www.dicitionary.com. Unfortunately, it confused me even more. I looked up the definition of respect and honor just to discover that I then needed to look up words in the definitions such as “deference”. (It is days like today that I wish people didn’t know I was an English major.) As I searched for these words, I came across some ideas that shed light on what respect and honor mean. 1. Respect is a yielding or submission to someone in a privileged position. 2. The meaning of respect and honor are strongly linked. So often my default is to think of respect and honor as something that I should give my parents, elders, and president, not necessarily my husband. Yet, the Bible is clear that wives are to respect their husbands:

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. –Ephesians 5:33

So what does this mean? As I pondered the definitions, I concluded that if you are married, you have granted your spouse a privileged,unique, sacred position in your life as your husband or wife. This position automatically qualifies them for your respect. I have heard many people use the remark that “respect must be earned!” I disagree. Even if your spouse falls short of your expectations and frustrates you, they have a right to your respect. The Bible compares marriage to Christ’s love for His church. Christ loves us even when we do not deserve it. In the same way, husbands are to love their wives even when they do not deserve it. Therefore, to wives who do not believe your husband is worthy of respect—you are still called to honor and respect him. If we offer love and respect in our marriages based on a merit system, we will find that we are constantly disappointed in one another. We must base our love, respect, and honor on something greater.  

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. –Ephesians 5:21

I would like to offer mutual submission and reverence for Christ as the base on which we must practice respect. As women, we tend to recoil when we hear the word submission; however, it is a major way that we can communicate respect. If we are constantly undermining our husband’s leadership, we are not honoring or respecting him. To husbands, I would like to say that despite what many of you grew up hearing, submission goes both ways. Preachers and scholars so often cut off verse 21 (above) from Ephesians 5:22-33 titled Wives and Husbands; yet, it is right above it and leads into it. When Mitch and I were in premarital counseling, our counselor shared with us that he felt that it belonged in the husbands and wives section. Yes, the husband is head of the wife and the Bible specifically instructs wives to submit, but there are times that the wife may have more knowledge or expertise in an area and it would be wise for the husband to submit to her or vice versa. Submission aside, what I would really like to draw your attention to is the out of reverence for Christ. I believe with all my heart that these five words give us the key that we need to unlock the ability to love and respect unconditionally. How can we offer honor and respect when we don’t feel like the other deserves it? We do it through the grace of Christ and our respect and esteem for Him as Lord of our lives. Sometimes this even means leading our hearts and feelings. It means respecting even when we don’t feel like it. This is how we embody Christ’s love. Mitch has been an example of Christ’s grace and love to me even on my worst days, when I don’t even respect myself and I have hurt his feelings. He is there to encourage me, love me, and build me up.

As I close, I would like to speak to wives for a moment. Though I believe our husbands should honor and respect us as well, the Bible specifically calls us to respect them. Why might this be? God created humanity; He is well aware of our gender differences. I believe one of those differences is the innate female need for feeling loved and the innate male need for feeling respected and affirmed. Weeks ago, I was listening to a radio show talking about respect. Its main premise was that many men need respect more than love. They even interviewed men that said they would forfeit their wives love if it meant they could have their respect. I do not believe this applies across the board, but in many cases, it is true. After hearing this startling statement, I discussed it with Mitch. He said that while he could not live on respect alone, my respect is one of the major ways that he feels my love. Then he went on to say that if he didn’t feel respected by me, then he wouldn’t feel loved at all: love and respect go hand in hand in marriage.        

How do you define respect and honor? Do you believe that they are important in a healthy marriage relationship and why? To prep your mind for next week, I will be discussing what it looks like to respect and honor your spouse and some practical ways that we can do so. Have a wonderful Tuesday!

-Nathana Clay