Self-doubt, a lack of confidence in your own abilities, and a constant state of worry. When I think of what insecurity means, these are some things that come to mind. 

In many ways, I feel like my whole life has been an awkward dance with insecurity. Don’t get me wrong—I am comfortable and happy with who I am and the gifts God has granted me (though maybe not so confident in using them). To risk generalizing, I think that as women we need more affirmation of our husbands’ love and attraction. 

Insecurities come into play in the workplace and at home. They create an interesting dynamic within marriage, usually not a good one. I think as women we are prone to certain types of insecurities more than others; for example, we tend to be more worried about our appearance and weight. However, we are not alone in our struggle, through reading the book For Women Only one of the most surprising things I discovered was that most men also feel very insecure, especially when it comes to their jobs and providing for their families, they just tend to be better at disguising it.

I wish I could offer up some balm or cure-all advice to rid our lives of insecurity—but I am still searching myself. However, I have found some core ideas to hang onto when insecurity rises up in your mind and tells you that you are not good enough, not worthy, not loved, or whatever lies it may try to plant.

1.      Actually Listen when your spouse or someone else affirms you. Too often I blow off affirmation. Sometimes I suspect people of stroking my ego to make me feel better. But I have learned how to discern what is genuine affirmation and encouragement. Hang on to genuine affirmation. 

2.      Hang onto God’s truth. This is common advice—but it is powerful when actually practiced. Take more time in prayer to connect to the Holy Spirit because one of the Holy Spirit’s roles is to lead us to truth (John 16:13). The Holy Spirit can also fill us with boldness, the opposite of insecurity, (Peter and John are filled with boldness by the Spirit in Acts 4, see verse 31). Prayer can also allow us to lay our worries and insecurities at the feet of our God who cares (Philippians 4:6-7). If we are doing these things, it is easier to fill our hearts and minds with truth, not Satan’s lies (Philippians 4:8-9). Finally, find some scriptures that you can cling to when you feel small and weak. Here is one of mine:

I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grace, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. –Psalms 16:8-11


Do you have any advice to share about how you deal with your insecurities? Share in the comments!

- Nathana

PS: Mitch will be sharing the "male" side of insecurity later this week!

Tonight, over dinner we talked about how poorly we have been about posting blog consistently lately. We realized that some of it was due to changes in our schedules and overall life craziness.

However, at the end of the day, we acknowledged that all we had was excuses.

This lead us to think about recommitting. I feel like recommitting is such an important aspect to life. Each day I (Nathana) get up and go to work I have to recommit to loving and working with the kids I see--even if the day before left me feeling like a failure. The same goes in our marriage relationship. We may mess up big time or feel hurt by our spouse, but we still have to wake up each day and recommit/choose to love them. Without this rededication we can grow complacent with a mediocre marriage. 

Mitch replies: Recommitment is a process that is ongoing but it is also important to remember that creating a commitment is no small thing. It should also not be taken lightly. The commitment that we make to our jobs, friends, and family are important. Let alone the commitment you make to Jesus by taking Him on in baptism or binding your life to your spouse in marriage.

Commitments are important!

In the same way, recommitments shouldn't be done habitually without thought. They should be taken seriously. It should be done with intentionality.

But don't let this detour you from rededicating yourself to something. As important as it is to make commitments mindfully, it is equally important that they are made. If in doubt, if your heart is leading you towards change, dive in. Work at it. Take it seriously as you go. The important thing is that you start!

May God bless you as change is made,

- Nathana and Mitch Clay

Have you ever found yourself struck by the beauty and wonder of something seemingly small on a busy day? Lately, this has been repeatedly happening to me. I take our dog Hazel out for a quick walk so she can relieve herself before I rush off to work and the soft hooting of an owl catches my ear and I stop and just listen and let the cool, quiet morning breeze wash over me for a moment. Instead of rushing to whatever I have to do, I want to just lay down in the dewy grass right then and there! It may be a small joy that lasts only seconds, but it brings so much pleasure to my being. 

I think in marriage and romance we get busy and wrapped up in our chaotic lives. Sometimes the day-to-day routines make us numb to the small things. Romance becomes harder to maintain, because to make it special, the gestures of love have to be grander and grander. . . or so we think.

When Mitch and I were dating in college, there was nothing more wonderful than simply being together, in each other's company. This could mean working on homework, walking down the shady brick roads of York, or cuddling on a couch while we watched MasterChef. Now, so much of that is our daily life. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE it! Nonetheless, in some ways it has become life rather than romance, at least if I let it. I have noticed that the romance can still be just as acute if I choose to cuddle in his arms (to keep me safe) while we watch the Walking Dead rather than sprawl on the futon while he reclines on the couch. I have also noticed that if I let busyness pause for just a second I can be overwhelmed by the love he offers me every day. This week we traded cars for a day so that he could fix my car windows--they were very charmingly held up by duck tape. It may have been a small thing, even a necessary thing. However, his willingness to take of it, thus taking care of me, made me feel SO loved. 

This week, don't let the daily grind hang you out to dry and leave you wondering where the romance went. Take a moment or two to notice what your spouse does do every day to show you love and take care of you. You may find yourself overwhelmed by all of the "small" gestures. 

-Nathana

Question:
How has your spouse expressed love to you in a "seemingly" small way this week that blessed your life?

So, it's been awhile since we've updated this blog. I truly do apologize about all of that. It's not what we want to be. And it's certainly not what we are working towards. But fear not, you have not been forgotten. This has been a hibernation, not senseless slumber.

Paul talks about waking from the slumber in Romans 13:11-12 - And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.

     Our salvation is near. Our faith promises us this. We should never forget this simple truth.

It may seem like it's easier to stay asleep. Believe me, my wife and I go through this most days. Nathana works for the school system, which means she has to get up early. Very early. And certainly much earlier than I do. This means that most mornings, my wife has a battle to wage against the dark, cold, and caffeine-filled morning. Most days she is very successful at fighting this war. But sometimes, the snooze button is just to powerful. Its these moments that slumber is preferable. 

For some people Valentine’s Day is just another marketing scheme created by the masterminds at Hallmark to rake in millions. For others it is an occasion that they go all out to celebrate with special reservations at high-end restaurants and flowers, chocolate, and jewelry. However, I would guess that for most people it falls somewhere in between. Many people get chocolate or go out to eat, but it is not a huge affair that they drop hundreds on to celebrate.

Mitch and I have always celebrated, though it has varied in extreme from year to year. We have mixed feelings about the holiday. On one hand, it is a great excuse to celebrate our love, go out on a date and do something special. This next weekend we are going up to stay the night in Flagstaff and then go see the Grand Canyon. We have wanted to do this since we moved to Arizona. So we decided to do it the Friday and Saturday after Valentine’s Day. It gave us a great reason to splurge a little. Yet, we are both big believers in expressing love all of the time, not just one day a year. He buys me flowers almost once a month. He doesn’t need Saint Valentine to remind him to do that! I pity the woman who only gets flowers on Valentine’s Day and the man who only gets sex that one day a year! I don’t want to imagine an existence like that!

So, how should we treat this upcoming day? I would propose doing what serves your conscience best; but, do not forget to show your spouse love and special treatment throughout the rest of the year. If we only express love and gratefulness on birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day, we will be in a feast or famine cycle of love. I hope (and doubt) that this is any of you, but if it is—get creative the rest of the 364 days of the year!

Here are some pictures and memories from our past celebrations (We will also post pictures from the Grand Canyon trip soon too!):

More pictures to come when we can get them. . . Mitch's computer crashed and died and we have been struggling to get computer problems worked out. . . Please be patient with us!

Questions:
1. How do you celebrate Valentine's Day?
2. How do you celebrate your love throughout the year?

Tonight's blog post isn't really about marriage, per say. But it does have some applicable uses.

But what this blog post really is something pretty plain, simple, and common: A Rant.

A straightforward and angsty rant.

And it was all started by something I saw today as my wife and I were driving home after grabbing some lunch. We drove by a hospital and there was a patient of that hospital outside, relaxing in the sun while sitting in her wheelchair, connected to an IV, and surrounded by family. This would be a beautiful picture if that patient wasn't doing one more thing: smoking!

Now don't get me wrong, I don't look at smoking as sin specifically. I think it is an unwise way to spend money, time, and in particular, health. But honestly, could you be more ignorant? This patient was obviously not in good shape. I only caught a glance at her, but she didn't look healthy. (Not that I do either, I might add). But putting toxins back into your body as you are a patient in the hospital to make you better is more than just unwise. It's ignorance.

I beleave that, as humans, we can get addicted to addiction. We are in denial about our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual selves.

It's not like we don't know better:

- Getting an extra large popcorn slathered in "real butter" while also ordering an extra large Diet Cola. The calories cancel out, right?

- Drinking and driving. Really? I honestly can't beleave we STILL deal with this one.

- Visitting tanning salons in order go to a beach. It's ok. Just a touch of cancer won't hurt.

- Sitting on the couch, eatting bowls if ice cream as you watch "The Biggest Loser". (I'm actually a big fan of this one)


The examples are funny because they are true AND obvious. We are kidding ourselves. We were set free by the blood of Jesus and we chain ourselves back down to other things. Whether it be Cheetos or pornogrophy, we allow sin and addiction to own us. We get addicted to the addiction itself to the point that we don't see their consequences anymore.

As the song "Meant To Live" by Switchfoot states, "We were meant for so much more, but we lost ourselves."

Tonight, I challenge you to take a deep look into yourself. What could you be denying about yourself?

Ok. Rant over.

Thank you for endulgeing me. Have a great night and fun Super Bowl Sunday!

- Mitch

A couple days ago I read a blog post by a friend on her heavenlyhomemakers.com site that I have not been able to stop thinking about, in a good way! I typically consider myself an optimist; however, I struggle with discouragement. Lately, there have been many days where I have stopped and wondered about God's purpose for my life, my calling. On and off again I wrestle with questions like, "Do I have a specific calling that I need to pursue or is life more about serving and loving God where I am and in all that I do?" Moreover, even when I was in high school, I felt the conundrum of 'Do I want to be primarily a wife and a mother or have an important career? Is it possible to do both?'

If I am honest, when I dreamed about my life I thought mostly about relationships: having a strong marriage, having close friendships, and having children that I raise to love the Lord. The home was central in my dreams, both physically and figuratively. Careers were always secondary. That said, in one form or another I always wanted to write. Since I was six years old I  loved reading and writing and dreamed of all the possibilities of being an author or poet. Unfortunately, reality likes to remind me that those are fine goals and hobbies and someday I may even be published, but they do not equate to a career.

But back to this blog I read: http://heavenlyhomemakers.com/dreams-reality-and-working-hard-no-matter-what

I want to say thank you to Laura because it really put my life and dreams in perspective and I hope it will do the same for you!

I learned that God has given me so many of my dreams, and I am only 23!

1. I am married to an incredible man! Mitch brings so much joy into my life daily. I don't want to even imagine life without him.

2. God has blessed me with close friendships in all stages. I have old friends back in Nebraska that I have known for years. I have a friend that has known me forever that I am still close with even though she is in North Carolina now. I have sisters from college that even though we are spread out, we are still close. I have new friendships that I am forming here in Arizona at church and work and other places. God is also teaching me more about how to be a good friend to others.

3. I have a wonderful apartment home that I love. I get to bake, sew, clean, and all those wonderful domestic things. Mitch and I even adopted our first dog, Hazel, a few weeks ago. She is such a sweet girl! (Pictures to come!)

4. I get to work alongside my husband in his ministry--something I have dreamed of for years. It is so rewarding and God has blessed us abundantly.

5. It may not be a career yet, but I do get to write! I get to write every week for this blog! I also am being encouraged by life and by a friend back in York to keep writing creatively. Recently, I looked into freelance writing. I came across an interesting site write.com that hires writers to do random articles and such for different website. It pays pretty well. I passed the test and have been cleared to start. I am currently working on setting up the payment part. I am not sure how this will go yet--but it may just be another answered prayer and dream.

When I sit down and think about all of these things, my disappoint evaporates. I would also like to echo one more thing from Laura's blog. She wrote "God’s reality is much better than any of my dreams – even the dreams that have 'come true'". I could not agree more! Even if something terrible happened and I lost all that I cherish--God would still be good and what he has done for me enough.

Check out Laura's blog and site and remember to count your blessings this week!
-Nathana

Questions:
1. What are your dreams?
2. How has God helped to give you your dreams?

Coming soon to the Northwest Church of Christ (hopefully, it is still in the works) and many churches near you is the "Art of Marriage" video conference. You have heard us praise Family Life Today before in our blogs. We are big fans of their mission and materials. If I remember right, we have even talked about the "Art of Marriage" seminar we went to while in York, Neb., at the East Hill Church of Christ. It is powerful, affordable, and accessible. Family Life Today has done seminars like the Weekend to Remember and others that are great, but cost a lot more and are only in select locations. The "Art of Marriage" is a DVD series with workbooks that any church can buy and host. It was an amazing encouragement and support to our marriage. Anyhow, I will stop doing all talking and let you watch the trailer!
****By the way, if you are from Northwest, it is still in the planning and prep stages, but keep your ears open for more details and dates to follow!

    Tonight’s blog post is going to be short and simple. Just a little bit of a reflection.

    If you haven’t noticed by now, once in an ever great while, you and your spouse will want and need different things. This probably doesn’t happen too often: Just several nights a week! I would like to offer my two cents about what we do when this happens.

    My first piece of advice is to sacrifice of your self. When you have the ability to, put the needs of your spouse above your own. This should be a pretty standard, but you would be surprised at how often this issue creates monster fights in the home. My question for you would be, what is more important. Is getting your way really worth the upset and hurt feelings? Is it worth the pain? When it really isn’t that big of a deal, I would advise that the spouse that sacrifices is also the spouse that wins in the end.

    Secondly, and my main point tonight: Do your own thing together. When it is possible and appropriate, take the chance to do separate things in the same atmosphere. This may not always be a viable option, but when it is, I encourage you to take it. Here’s what it looks like in our home: Nathana will sit and read while I play video games. I will play my guitar as Nathana crochets. She does something she wants and enjoys doing. I do something that I enjoy and want to do. We both get what we want. We may not be doing the same thing. We may not even be interacting. But having your spouse in the same room with you helps you remember that you both are getting what you need. In turn, you are also reminded that you are what is giving your spouse that possibility. This is a classic “Win-Win” option.

Just some food for thought for your Martin Luther King Jr. holiday weekend.

May the Lord bless you and keep you,

- Mitch

Earlier this week I was listening to AirOne radio and the host Brandt Hanson was talking about marriage. He said he didn't understand couples that wrote marriage advice books because it was conceited to pretend they have it all together. Marriage is hard and no one has it all together.

I agree!

I know we have a marriage blog, but I want to reiterate why we do. Mitch and I are so not perfect! We do not have all the answers. We are not immune to struggles in marriage. No one is.

Here are some reasons why we started the blog:

1. We started this blog first of all to challenge Mitch and I to continue to grow in our marriage. If we are reading, talking, and reflecting on how to strengthen our marriage, how can that be a bad thing!

2. If we are learning and growing, why not share what we discover along the way? You never know when it might be what someone else needs to hear.

3. We want a forum where we can receive feedback from others. We want you, our readers, to share your successes and advice as well!

4. We believe marriage is worth the work! We want to encourage others.

In closing, there is a quick tangent I would like to take. Brandt Hansen also mentioned that he took an in-depth marriage survey with his wife and they scored higher than anyone else in one particular area: attraction to one another. He attributed this to the fact that every night (except when they already had something going on) they would put the kids to bed around 7 or 8 and spend the evening together, watching a show they liked, etc. They made it a priority to spend every evening together. He thought that was what kept their attraction strong. At first, I was like "Really?" But then I thought about it, it made sense. Not trying to brag, but it reminded me of Mitch and I. Maybe it is silly, but evenings together are so special and important, even if the activities we do are as simple as watching TV.


Questions:
What do you think? What keeps you attracted to your spouse?

*** Also, check out this link! It is kind of interesting and funny.
http://www.themomoftheyear.net/2012/05/healthy-tv-viewing.html#.UPYV7IXKmYI